Sephiroth's Birthday
by Grey Hunter
Summary: As Sephiroth is the birthday boy, Cloud has to give him a present. However Sephiroth is planning an evil scheme...
1. Chapter 1

Okay this is my first story here so don't blame me for any of this (Blame Wordsworth13)

BANG!

Cloud woke with a start

"What the hell is going on down there?" Tifa screamed from her vantage point in the roof. (Tifa is an advanced life form; well her already massive breasts grew into wings, and has an understandable amount of trouble seeing anything at all, if only they'd grown out of her back!)

Cloud looked around blearily, observed Red trying to hump his bed post and eventually turned to the gaping hole in the wall. Barret was standing there sheepishly while a wisp of smoke blew off his bionic hand.

"Sorry I-

"NO YOU BASTARD!" Cloud screamed "YOU HAVE TO BLOW THE SMOKE AWAY, IT'S TRADITIONAL!"

Barret managed to look slightly confused before Aeris came in (Aeris has an unnerving habit of trying to strip nude and pole dance using her staff every time she has the opportunity). Barret gaped and blushed slightly, Cloud turned round with a lot of effort(Cloud has trouble moving anywhere because of his rock-solid gravity defying hair-style) and immediately wished he hadn't.

"AERIS PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON!" Cloud screamed (It is thought that years of holding up a 3 tonne head of hair has greatly strengthened Clouds vocal muscles).

"What's going on?" came a faint voice from the rafters, "I can't see!"

There was a brief swish and thud.

"Don't worry", Aeris cackled, "happens to her all the time!"

As you have most likely observed from this brief exchange all my characters are stark raving mad. Back to the plot.

Sephiroth (although technically dead Sephiroth has survived for all purposes in my plot, he _has_ developed an annoying stutter though) sat in his dark castle with his mothers head, torso and other assorted bits.

"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed evilly, "T-t-today is m-m-my Birthday!"

Jenova nodded wisely(actually this about all that Jenova can actually do) and slimed a bit more.

"B-b-by the rules of the s-s-story everybody h-has to give the b-b-b-birthday boy a p-present!"

Jenova nodded some more.

"A-a-and when that b-b-bumbling idiot Cloud a-and his circus t-t-turn up, I c-can give them a b-b-bath!" Sephiroth cackled (to Sephiroth this was the worst punishment you can get as it would ruin years of tweaking his hair to perfection)

Jenova nodded enthusiastically and her head fell off.

"Oh m-m-mother, not again!"

Sephiroth set himself up for the long and gruelling process of putting his mother back together.

Meanwhile, in Midgar…

"WHAT?" Cloud thundered, "YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE THAT CREEP A PRESENT?"

Cloud was having his daily struggle of getting out of bed; it's not easy you know having a fashionable hairstyle.

"I rather like Sephiroth" Aeris simpered, "He's got nice hair and such a big sword, Hehe…"

"AERIS I DON'T WANT TO EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR GIGGLING ABOUT" Cloud said, as calmly as was possible with his unique talent of scaring birds away from the surrounding three miles of habitat, "AND SECONDLY YOU "LIKE" ANYTHING THAT WALKS ON TWO LEGS, AND IN SOME CASES NOT EVEN THAT!" Cloud glared at Red who dutifully was trying to get it on with his leg.

Occasional bangs perpetrated the background as Barret tried to polish his hand.

"Oh Cloud" Aeris snapped, "Stop being such a spoilsport, and anyway we HAVE to get him a present!"

Cloud was going red in the face and trembling.

"Alright CUT!" said the Author "what's wrong Laurence?"

Cloud relaxed

"'m sorry old chap, it's just that you know if this chap Sephiroth isn't all that nice and so on why am I s'posed to give him a present?"

"Cloud we've already gone through this" said the exasperated Author, "He's the birthday boy!"

Through a random anomaly in the gravitational perception of our fractal space time continuum, Sephiroth walked in wearing a party hat and blew a raspberry.

Harry Potter then appeared and used the wingardium leviosa spell to give Cloud a wedgie. Cloud immediately turned upside down due to his unfortunate predicament and was rammed repeatedly into the ground.

Barret suddenly appeared holding his hand out in front of him, everybody either ran as far away as they could get or ducked behind the nearest blast shelter (When Barret holds his hand out there's no telling what will happen). Harry Potter was laughing evilly and Cloud was trying to flee unsuccessfully.

"MUHAHAHAHA, feel the power of the wedgie!" Harry Potter cackled

There was a loud crack and Harry was blown into a red stain on the wall.

Purple light flickered and a faint voice said "I'll get you next time Gadget, next time! No wait…"

The Author sighed, "I'm gonna pretend I didn't just see that and get back to the story."

Tifa came to and as always observed to the utmost detail "Huh what's going on? I can't see!"

(Some may be wandering why Tifa can't see and no it's not due to her wings being in the way, Cloud stuck some duck tape over her eyes while she was sleeping and when she woke up she was convinced that she had gone blind, the others had left it on just because it was so funny.)

As the gang got ready for the hard, dangerous and gruelling half an hour walk to Sephiroth's place, Cloud pulled Barret aside with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Um Barret?" Cloud said as quietly as was humanly possible for him, "I've Been Thinking And Um…"

"Go on" Barret said conspiratorially

"Well You Haven't Had Any Girlfriends Lately Have You?" Cloud said, clearly embarrassed,

"Uh no" Barret whispered

"And Your Right Handed" said Cloud

"Yep" Barret replied.

"And Your Gun Is On Your Right Hand"

"Uhhh, yeh"

"So How Do You, You Know?" Cloud said, going red in the face.

"Huh? Oh that well I just attach it like this and I can still move it up and down like this and it's as good as ne-

There was a loud crack and a look of pure horror crossed Barret's face, closely followed by pain and the traditional curl-into-a-ball pose.

"Mommy!" Barret whimpered.

After the local nurse had gotten over her hysterics and taken Barret away, the group set off. Well tried to anyway…

"Where are we going?" Tifa called from the roof "I can't see!"

"COME ON TIFA!" Cloud encouraged "JUST FOLLOW MY VOICE!"

"That should be easy enough" Aeris muttered

"COME ON TIFA" Cloud called "JUST FLY DOWN!"

Now Tifa flying consisted of her launching herself into space backwards, flapping as hard as she could and hoping she didn't bash into anything.

There was another thud.

"THAT WAS JUST THE DOOR TIFA"

A bang

"THAT WAS THE WALL"

A crash

"JUST MY HAIR GEL COLLECTION"

And of course a tinkle

"DON'T WORRY JUST A RANDOM PRICELESS VASE!"

Finally Tifa found an open window and fell out.

"She'll be OK!" Aeris was tugging at her clothes "Oh Cloud there so itchy!"

"NO KEEP THEM ON!" Cloud shielded his eyes, but not before he glimpsed Red taking a whiz in the corner.

"OH GOD NOT A SHI-

Cloud was pushed out the door kicking and screaming.

Hey all right Chapter No.1 pretty good eh? Now all I need is more ideas feed them to me my pretty's, FEED!

Or you can just review, either way.


	2. Considering a present

Okay chapter no.2, only had 1 idea from a review, come on guys you can do better than that!

After leaving the extremely disturbing flat scene our view returns to the sky, well an aeroplane in the sky, well Cid's plane to be precise…

Cid took a long draw on his massive fag and finished it in one. The resulting cloud of smoke was observed by the Midgar fire station and all squads were sent out while half the city burnt down in their absence, but hey that's irony for you!

Life was going great for Cid, flying at top speed, 300 boxes of newly made cigarettes in the back, and a night club um, yes… that will do, to look forward to.

Just then the wind wrestled his latest cigarette out of his hands and forced the burning bit into his eye.

"HOLY SHIT!" Cid screamed, nearly rivalling Cloud, "IT FING BURNT MY EYE!" As always Cid's perception was unrivalled.

The plane went into a steep nosedive, nearly obliterated a little old lady(there always has to be a little old lady, how she was 3000 m up we'll never know) and crashed straight into Sephiroth's castle.

Meanwhile, in the slums…

"STOP IT!"

Guess who? That's right first time as well.

Cloud was being dragged along by Aeris, while Red was sniffing at his crotch.

"HEHE IT TICKLES, STOP IT" Cloud screamed, enraged.

"And he thinks I'm sick" Aeris sniggered.

Aeris let go, and sat down on one of the gigantic heaps of rubbish which seemed to have an impassable barrier surrounding it.

Cloud immediately thumped Red over the head, Red wagged his tail and started sniffing the ground until his mind caught up, and he collapsed in an unruly heap.

Cloud got up slowly and sat down with Aeris, the whole pile of metal immediately compacted and sank a few feet.

"SO IF WE HAVE TO BUY HIM A PRESENT, WHAT WILL WE GET!" Cloud asked.

"Well I could get him some of my flowers!" Aeris suggested brightly.

"UM, ARE YOU SURE THAT'S WISE?" Cloud said, uncomfortably.

"What do you mean?" Aeris asked, totally puzzled.

"IT'S JUST THAT YOUR FLOWERS ARE KNOWN TO HAVE SOME ER, VIAGRA LIKE QUALITIES." Cloud muttered.

"Oh that!" Aeris waved expansively "That's nothing to worry about!"

"AERIS THE LAST MAN YOU GAVE A FLOWER QUICKLY PUT ON TEN FEET AND HAS SINCE BEEN ABLE TO SATISFY A BLUE WHALE, AND THAT WAS JUST BY SNIFFING IT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" Cloud screamed.

"Okay maybe not a flower Mr. Grumpy" Aeris said lightly

Cloud swore her purpose in life was to annoy him.

Just then a sprightly Easter bunny skipped past. Cloud turned to a tirade of growling, Red had spotted it too. Reds normally sweetly confused expression had been dropped and his massive fangs were clearly visible beneath the tsunami of saliva.

The Easter bunny had seen it as well.

"Oh bugger!" It cried and sprinted towards the nearest tree, unfortunately this was three miles away.

Red shot passed like a red hairy torpedo (no more description or we'll go even further into the dodgy area).

The Easter bunny managed two and a half miles before Red caught it up and mauled it.

Cloud didn't move, the background carried occasional growls, cries for help, and downright grisly sounds.

"I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM SO WORKED UP" Cloud stared.

"It was probably the fluffy tail, he hates those" Aeris observed thoughtfully.

Meanwhile, in Sephiroth's slightly demolished castle…

Cid miraculously stepped out of the rubble, rubbing his left eye and cursing whenever he had the opportunity.

"Oh bugger" he whistled and lit another fag(where this came from was a mystery).

Sephiroth sidled through the wreckage.

"I d-d-d-demand to know w-what's going o-o-on" Sephiroth demanded (don't ask me alright!)

"Oh shut up Sephy boy!" Cid turned

Sephiroth was slightly put off, firstly because, before he had developed the stutter, everyone had either grovelled at his feet, or lay at them, disembowelled, a short time later, and secondly no-one had ever called him "Sephy boy" before.

Sephiroth quickly drew his twelve foot sword, staggered slightly, and as the French say castrated him (or is that English hmmmmm…).

Hey there we go chapter no.2, a bit shorter I know but I'm low on inspiration, look out for chapter 3 soon!


	3. The present is found

Okay folks here it is! Chapter no.3, enjoy!

Cloud trudged along the dirt track, leaving four inch imprints behind him.

Why did Aeris always go the wrong way? Actually stupid question; anything sick perverted and generally sexually generated was an Aeris magnet.

Which explained the shop in front of him; it was best described as the colour of primordial ooze. Strange erotic music was coming from inside and Cloud was getting a bit uncomfortable in the nether regions, ah essence of Aeris' flowers.

Aeris had raced ahead as soon as it had come in sight, Cloud deliberately stayed behind, to prolong the inevitable rescue of Aeris' virtues and general embarrassment in front of the eager eyes of young men.

As he drew closer he spied the sign on the front, it read:

Alura's Gifte Shoppe, The Wackie, Wierde And Wonderfulle All Solde Here!

An idea struck Cloud.

"LET'S SEE HOW HE LIKES THIS PRESENT!" He said gleefully.

Cloud entered the shop, and was immediately enveloped in a cloud of strange incense.

His trouser buttons popped and layed bare the disgusting vestiges beneath.

"DAMN YOU AND YOUR INFERNAL FLOWERS AERIS!" Cloud screamed and ran into the nearest rest room, immediately ran back out again, even the inside of the shop was better than there.

Meanwhile Aeris was getting a bit naughty if you know what I mean, yeah of course you do, and don't lie, you want to know what's going on don't you.

Actually Aeris was involved in petty theft at the moment. She had sprinted in as soon as she saw this shop, they were obviously kindred spirits, and had since then been searching for the party that had so blatantly been going on.

When she hadn't found it she became cross and had started taking everything that caught her eye, which was basically everything, and seriously you don't want to know what they were!

When Cloud had come screaming out of the bathroom she chuckled a bit, nicked an um, errr… innocent stick, that had caught her eye and ran into the Men's.

Cloud was frantically grabbing every bit of material in reach and covering his waist.

As he reached for a rather nasty bit of fabric, he knocked a bell of the counter and it rang.

"Yes?" a voice came from behind Cloud "vat can I do for you?"

Cloud twisted round to see Vincent climbing out of a coffin in a rather hippy get up.

"OH HI VINCENT" Cloud said "DIDN'T KNOW YOU WORKED ROUND HERE"

Cloud was suddenly staring into the barrel of Vincent's revolver.

"If you call me that again I will blow your brains across the wall" Vincent snarled then suddenly changed his voice, "My name is Alura now, vat can I do for you?"

"ER… OKAY I CAN SEE YOU'VE GOT ISSUES, I'M HERE FOR A PRESENT FOR SEPHIROTH" Cloud grinned devilishly.

"Sephiroth eh?" Vincent immediately perked up "I've got just the thing!"

Just then an average boy came in; he had quite short black hair and an intent expression. When he spoke it was in a slightly American accent.

"I wish to purchase the complete Star Trek collection" he said

"Preferably in Klingon but I'll settle for English".

Cloud and Vincent exchanged puzzled and slightly worried expressions.

"What- I mean, vat the hell is Starr Treck?" Vincent demanded

He gave them a piercing stare and slowly and deliberately whacked each of them on the head with a ruler (it snapped on Cloud's but you get the point).

"I despise every one of you puny imbeciles!" he stated arrogantly and stalked out.

(If your reading this Wordsworth13, you'll know what I'm going on about!)

Cloud and Vincent stared at each other.

"Anyvay a present for Sephiroth, I have just the thing!" Vincent searched intently.

He came out holding a carton of jelly beans (this was Sephiroth's favourite sweet) and handed it to Cloud.

"THEY'RE JELLY BEANS" He stated as he gave them a brief glance.

"Not just any jelly beans" Vincent, or should I say Alura, cackled "inside it contains the essence of bath water!"

Cloud was now grinning too.

"SO WHEN HE OPENS IT UP" Cloud giggled "ALL THE YEARS OF TWEAKING HIS HAIR TO PERFECTION GONE!"

Cloud was laughing insanely now Vincent stared at him for a while, and then kicked him in the scrotum.

The laughter was replaced with a high pitched squealing.

After Cloud had picked himself up from the floor and bought the fake jelly beans he turned back to Vincent.

"AERIS CAME IN HERE TOO, BY THE WAY" He squeaked.

Vincent went white in the face and started running towards the bathroom.

"Come on ve have some pretty strange stuff here but none as bad as Aeris for Christ's sake!" He screamed.

Cloud walked out the door satisfied of a job well done.

Well there it is chapter no.3, got a couple of ideas well done!

Look out for chapter no.4!


End file.
